A World I Want to Conquer, Deliver, and Despise...

the final countdown

2008-05-10T06:53:53Z

tomorrow is graduation. it really hasn't quite hit home that this is "it." it is amazing feeling--whatever it is. i can't quite put my finger on it. i'll write again with more articulate feelings after the dust has settled. :)

the road to hell is paved with good intentions

2008-04-25T06:49:40Z

can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. too many thoughts. good and bad. i am really excited about madonna's new album. am i gonna make it spain? holy crap graduation. my life is going to change completely. my husband is in europe. i am sure of it. i feel it with everything in me. not that i will marry anytime soon. i just know he's there. the psychic in sedona told me so. she could be blowing smoke. i'm sure of it. then again, there haven't been any u.s. boys working for me. on the other hand, i hate men. right now...they are just rowdy little dogs who want and take everything you've got. they chew you up and spit you out. no men no men no men no men. i promised myself that i won't have to do the work. it seems every little romance i've had has been of my own initiation. screw that. let them come to me. i'm sick of being the show bird--always flaunting her best feathers and no one ever sees. no ever looks up. why do we girls do that? why? and why again? boys will never know how much we give. the heart of a woman is an overflowing spring. it is in our very nature to surrender everything we have. that's why it hurts so much when we're rejected. we have to protect ourselves. girls, protect your hearts. don't let any man or woman for that matter, suck you dry. perhaps this is my test. solitude. reflection. patience. i must bide my time. he's waiting for me. this is what faith is. believe everything will turn out roses when it seems like it will never happen for you. you're not stuck. you're being held, cradled, sheltered. it will happen. it will. it must. i wouldn't have a heart so full of love and adventure if it wasn't supposed to be used. my mind is buzzing. buzz. buzz. buzzzzzzzzz. i feel electric. motion. images. rest is not really rest. nothing is turning off. i need sleeeeep. can't. why? ugh. spainspainspainspain. i can't wait. i'm scared to death. is it meant to be? i have to take it one day at a time. hour by hour. minute by minute. is there really innocence or is just experience? all we have is the journey. alskdjflsajd

we are our own worst enemies

2008-04-06T23:28:18Z

my goodness. why hasn't it taken me so long to post? i still don't feel completely ready. life has been good but it its goodness i feel so strange. senior year is trucking along merrily. i am absolutely rotting from senioritis--it is so bad i am misspelling my name. my emotions are totally all over the place. i just returned from a quickie san francisco weekend trip to hang out with some familiar faces and escape the flagstaff grind. though i was comletely elated to be away, i found myself on the brink of tears most of the trip. perhaps there is just a collective uneasiness in california? i think it may have been. while on the plane, the moment i flew into the arizona border i finally felt calm. what is it about california that fills me with fear and uneasiness? or is it just in my head? i had an absolute blast last summer in berkeley. i hoped to rekindle my warm regards for the place...but it didn't happen. regardless of my mental angx, i am glad melody and john were there to receive me. the past few months i have been plagued by paranoia. thoughts of death. thoughts of failure. i am a silent victim of insecurity. it is a venomous cancer that kills the pure and good ambitions that fuel me. in my mind, i rationalize, i dig myself out of the mental sandtraps and continue with my day but lately, i find myself falling into holes faster than i can help it. i don't know if maybe its a "life-transition thing" or what. i know the answers to my own questions but for some reason i am powerless. i have so much to look forward to. graduation is weeks away, a 4 month stint in barcelona comes along in September...things i've been dreaming about for years are coming into my life and i'm struggling to embrace them. i am thinking about deleting my lj. at this stage in my life it seems a bit juvenile. writing has always been very personal for me. i find myself writing more in my paper journal in order to properly assess what's going on in my head. i enjoy the actual process of writing than typing, i feel the therapeutic benefits a bit more. i haven't decided yet. i am definitely in a rough patch emotionally. this is the rock solid truth. maybe when i won't have to focus on school i can finally take some time to clean out my emotional "shed" and detoxify it. apart of me is really concerned about it. i have never felt this way in my entire life. i have always been blessed with a kind of "handle" on things. its awful feeling like one is just a pawn in a torturous game of win-lose. i am hoping there is a great reason for all of this fear, some great lesson to be revealed in time. then again, fear never helps anyone so how can there be a great reason? ehhhh. that is what is currently on my plate. now you can understand why i've avoided writing. its ridiculous.

its been a long time...

2008-02-24T02:53:22Z

i'm not quite ready to make a full-on "life as we know it" post. this is merely a message that...i intend to. i will soon. thoughts are numerous...happy, sad, confused, apathetic, positive, negative...an endless array of emotions. until i get just one to write about i am going to float a bit more. i promise, i will talk soon.

my sea to your shore

2007-12-03T04:46:33Z

december is upon us. i'm exhausted. its grown cold in flagstaff, the days are darker and the wind tires my bones. i want to sleep and dream of life in spain, beauty, and inspiration. this semester has been the most difficult of my life. priorities are not balanced and there is chaos everywhere. i feel like such a little girl sometimes. other days, i feel so in control, the world is my oyster. next semester will be better, more difficult but, better. i will plan for next fall in barecelona. it is like the little diamond in my pocket. i can't believe its going to happen. as long as i can remember i have dreamed about spain, from the moment i left i have wanted to return. not only will i return, but i will stay for as long as i am needed, as long as my heart desires. who knows where the road will take me! i think of all the possibilities and my spirit sings. i just have to get through the next 6 months. i want school to end. i want to rest, have time to dream and create. its almost over. i have so much to look forward to! the highly anticipated american doll possee tour will stop in phoenix on the 11th, carmel's wedding on the 15th, and perhaps, a new york adventure on the 27th. i have never traveled more in my life than i have this semester. its astonishing. all the places i have been. there and back again. i need to write more. i'll report again soon!

"bug a martini, send me to moscow..."

2007-10-29T02:18:26Z

much much much has been going on and i have been too lethargic to comment on it. my world is whirling. i just returned from a 5 day stint in philadelphia of PRSSA. exhausting. great fun. didn't get as much out of it as i would have liked. boo. the semester is half way over and i'm stunned. time is flying and i'm watching it go by. busyness has a way of sucking up everything. i've never been this busy before and it has caused a kind of hermeticism in me. its really ironic that i say that because it seems as though all of my time is spent with people. i guess, i would say when i get a moments peace, i usually like to spend it by myself. i need that time to reflect. i can't say i have been doing much of that lately. it upsets me. i don't like having that "un-plug" time. perhaps that is why i am feeling a bit inadequate.

i've been traveling so much this month. this is first weekend i have spent home in flagstaff. san fran, philly, and oregon in two weeks. goodness. i'm such a jet-setter. it makes me happy but leaves me spent. this year has been zooming by, thinking about how many miles i've traveled, the places i've been...blows my mind. i think i'm going to top off this year with new years in new york. rob and amy have graciously invited me to ring in the new year in the busiest city on earth. i think that would be delightful. can't wait. tori is coming up soon. i've been following her concerts and i'm thinking this one will be the best yet. i salivate at the fact that i'll be able to touch her, say hello, look into her eyes--my teenage wish finally fulfilled...to meet the woman, the creator behind all those songs that shaped me. i'm so excited. as much as i would like to banish tori for her repeated album flubs (since scarlet's walk, everything blows), overall, i cherish her. hooray for the meet and greet pass! i grow more excited each day.

so. overall, the mood is confused. this stage in life is so perplexing. its all going to change so drastically. soon, everything will be different. i've been looking into this internship program in spain for next fall. i think this summer will be spent abroad and then i'll conclude with moving to spain. i can't think too much on that stuff now because my brain will leak out my ears. its going to happen though. i can feel it. something is calling me. i thinking something is waiting for me in spain. i would have liked to visit this december but it seems too big an endeavor for such little time. soon. soon. i'm just trying to stay focused on school, develop and prepare my skills for a whatever may come. no matter how stressful it gets, or what difficulties lay ahead. i'm so happy to be here and now. as long as i focus on that...its not so bad.

right now i'm researching the most insane paper i will ever right. mystic consciousness and science. its nuts. my brain melts every few minutes. november is coming up soon. november is a beautiful month. the chill starts to come in, the autumn smells, and the colors. it will be wonderful...

...ojala, que pueda volver al espana...

2007-09-30T20:39:35Z

so, a wonderful, absolutely insane event occurred the other day and it has left me spinning. i had an incredibly passionate and romantic night with a spanaird named borja and...i've never wanted to abandon my life and go to spain more so than now. i'm still tingling. he was amazing and i think it was an omen of some sort. i've decided that i'm going to abandon the australia idea and head to spain for christmas. australia is too big of a trip at this point in time. i think what shall happen is me and an amiga kirsta will embark on a spain bound excursion for new years. we'll fly to madrid and eventually find our way to san sebastian where borja lives. i don't know if i'll stay with him. it would depend on if he had a girlfriend or something. hope not. he is way gorgeous. he did invite me though...anyway, frolicking with someone in another language is the hottest thing ever. he was so sweet and gave me so much inspiration. spanish men. i always knew they were the greatest thing ever. its so true. i nearly melted. espana para siempre.

"all you will see is a girl you once knew..."

2007-09-25T17:15:54Z

Man. Oh Man. Never have I been so busy in all my life. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew this time. So school is progressing merrily although it seems to be on the last burner with KJACK Radio, PRSSA, and my receptionist job at Undergraduate Admissions. I leave the house early-early,and come home when its dark. I practically live at school. I miss sleeping. I miss "me" time. It seems that everything is priority one except for anything having to do with my personal affairs. I shouldn't be complaining too much though because I'm having a blast. So many friends always calling, always wanting to hang out! Each one is so special and so different! They bring me joy! I'm going to have a radio show called Global Goods on Monday nights. I'll be posting a bulletin soon so you can check me out on kjack.org. I can't wait to be a DJ. Finally all my musical babies will get some exposure! No time, no time, no time, there aren't enough hours in the day...
I feel like the rabbit in Alice and Wonderland. I'm so glad I'm single right now. A few weeks ago I was a bit peeved at all the marriages and relationships blossoming around me and now but now, I'm so grateful to not have to deal with any of it. Unfortunately, I'm super cynical and anti-distraction, so I think if a boy came around I would have to chew him up and spit him out. Being 21 has been delightful. The bar scene is nothing special. However, it has given me some fabulous insight into how much the male population is nothing but a pack of wild dogs--sniffing and smelling, licking and pouncing on anything that moves. Yuck. I know I am better than all this. I am better than all of them. I want something more. Just because you buy me a drink, you expect me to hand myself over on a silver platter?! Funny. I laugh. Men. Heathens. Dogs. Not now.
Life is wonderfully hectic and moving at the speed of light. There aren't enough hours in the day. I have to quit typing because I have other things I need to work on. October is around the corner and I can't wait! It is my most treasured month and I will be so busy! San Francisco is the on the 6th, Philadelphia is the 19-23!...I'm going to try to sneak a Rocky Point trip in there too. Maybe. The world is mine. Nothing is stopping me. That is how I like it. I'm going to keep it like that for a while.
I went to a few shows last week. Pinback and Within Temptation. I've decided that I have to go the Netherlands and see WT again. Incredible. I can't wait to start traveling the world. I've decided after I graduate I'm taking about six months off to travel. I haven't decided where but its going to start with Australia this December!
I'll think about that later. Too much to think about now. Life is grand. Life a grand and decadent feast of which I'm invited to partake. Right now, I'm waiting in the lobby and every now and then the waiter will bring me a pretty our dourve to munch on. Grand, grand, grand. I can't complain. Everything is happening for my benefit! I hope everyone is having a good perspective about things. Remember to take it one day at a time. Its all about perspective!!!

xoxo

a spoonful of sugar

2007-08-31T21:32:25Z

senior year has commenced. i can't believe it. i love being back in flagstaff. its wonderful to be around friends, to see how much they have grown and share their adventures and new lives. the new townhouse is amazing. lots of room, no more hunting for quarters and creepy laundry rooms. i now have my own comfortable nook for laundering clothes. NAU has radically changed. this year we have more students then we ever have. everything is super modern and clustered together. i don't like it. the initial small city, mountain school charm that once attracted me to nau is no where to be found. regardless, i live off campus and only have a year left....

so, other than work and school i have been completely, 100% enamored with australia!? i don't know why or how but when i'm not focusing on academia, i'm researching different cities and opportunities to live down undah! i want to leave right now. i think a large part of it was the cute aussie i met here in town. it was so random. upon returning flagstaff the gang and i reunited and they gleefully escorted me to the various flagstaff pubs to get my legal drink on. after my shot of cuervo, i heard this lovely accent ordering a heineken. i turn around..."are you an aussie?!" fast forward to hours later where i am talking with a charming kiwi named sean who is leading a life i could only dream of. the man has filled up three passports on his ventures around the globe!? he found himself in arizona wanting to see the canyon and then work down to mexico and eventually south america. did i mention the part where he's loaded!? yeah, he's a mechanical engineer in sydney who saves all his money for his travels. it was suggested that i should make him my australian sugar daddy. we had a playful few nights together that ultimately ended with me wishing him luck and hoping to see him in sydney someday...

i'm still smitten. he's probably in peru by now. he won't be in australia until christmas. ho hum. i'll probably never see him again...australia is pretty enormous and he's a bit older than i...like, by 14 years.... hee hee! besides, i think he just wanted to shag me like all the rest...sigh, nothing wrong with that but...

anyway, school is good, friends are good, weather is lovely. i'm preparing myself for one of the most dreaded months of the year....SEPTEMBER. ugh.

i've decided that after school i'm taking at least 6 months to a year before jumping into the PR choas. Spain and Australia to start and many more in between. i don't exactly know HOW i'll get there, but...its a mystery, one that will resolve in time and i'm confident. i truly believe its meant to be and where there's a will, there's a way.

"what a beatiful surrender..."

2007-08-18T03:36:47Z

these have been strange days. it has been so wonderful to be home. my beloved arizona desert has welcomed me back with big skies, breath taking sunsets, and friendly faces wishing me well. there is happiness but at the same time, much gloom. i am so scared of this new year. i feel as though i am staring over a cliff of the abyss and i have no idea where it leads. menstruation has left me exhausted, quick to weep, and grinding my teeth at all the friends getting married. i have been invited to three weddings this semester. eh. some of them, i'm deliriously happy for and others, i think are fools. this new year is going to change everything. this is the last year in flagstaff, last year of my degree. after this, who knows? my heart dreams of granada but i'm not yet sure if i can make it happen right after graduating. will i decide on graduate school? will the valley reveal a lovely career worthy of my time and skils? or will i move far away and begin my life away from everything i know? i do not know. beloved friends are leaving me, they will be missed and their absence deeply felt this year. its going to be so empty without them. flagstaff is not the same place it was when i arrived three years ago. i am not the same girl three years ago. i have much to learn and discover but i'm very frightened and hesitant to dive in so blindly. i am terrified. i know i shouldn't be, but i am. i just want to find a place where my spirit can thrive. now that my enthralling bay area summer has come to a close, i am left pondering if i will ever return? i wish i could peer into the future for just a minute. i just want to know that i'm going to land on my feet. time is a funny thing. my college career is rapidly disappearing and its very sad. it was truly the greatest time anyone could ask for. i am meloncholy for the past and the people who were apart of it.

so, i promise this hormone charged rant will be over soon. deep breaths. i know its going to be wonderful. i am a very blessed individual. i believe that when i surrender myself all will be taken care of and peace will be found. i pray for all the people i care for who are working through this mysterious time in their lives. the answers will be found.

tomorrow i am moving out of my house and into a new one in flagstaff. many emotions. many fears, and much longing for stable ground. soon i will commence a new semester and i'll write again when the seas have calmed...

"can't stop what's coming, can't stop what is on its way" -Bells for Her

21

2007-08-06T06:29:27Z

so happy. this has been a grand day. actually a grand two days. last night i roamed san fran and attended my first bar! edinburgh castle was a lively pub...which i never received more free drinks from handsome guys and gals ever! the highlights of the night--being sang to by the kindest group of Peet's coffee workers, (shout out to Roland, Albert, Erin, Brandon, Christina, and Mel) and when melody, my kosher co-worker went over to the jukebox and played my ultimate favorite song "Charlotte Sometimes" by the Cure. I nearly cried. She smiled at me and mouthed "Sometimes you're dreaming....Charlotte Sometimes!"...it was one of those moments you don't forget. the 21st definitely feels wonderful. i really feel different. this evening i attended the most decadent dinner...a three hour dinner and wine train ride through Napa valley! SWOOON! i feasted and drank without fear...so luxurious and wonderful. i gazed out the window at the passing vineyards...green, green, green, hills, grapes, life, peace. i am so blessed. this was a great birthday. many, many thanks to all you well wishers! i love you so much!

el fin

2007-07-31T18:44:22Z

i write to you now on the last day of work here at Absolutely Kosher and Misra records. i am really bummed but excited at the same time. its been a wonderful experience but...august has ALWAYS been MY month.

i walked into the record label today and cory, my boss, pats me on the shoulder with a big smile on his face and says..."its your last day kim! we got you bagels and coffee!" he's precious. the people at this place have been the most wonderful. i'm glad everyone is in a better mood today. yesterday was the most difficult day i have ever had at my job. the bassist for the band "bottom of the hudson" was killed in a terrible car accident. it was really sad. in one moment this band, who i have done press for all summer, was destroyed.

i am doing mail orders right now and their sales have sky rocketed. a whole bunch of artists on the label are getting together to do a benefit concert for him. its way cool. i am really going to miss this place. i learned SO MUCH about this business and i made a lot of contacts for the future. Richard, mi amigo and other boss is writing me a killer letter of recommendation! so excited.

so, my summer in Cali is nearly over. i have a few days to hang out with grace, visit with old friends, and then head to vegas for an explosive 21st birthday with all my family. i'm really looking forward to that. a little cash would be nice because my credit card bill is a bit ghastly. i think i will leave for good around the 14th of august. that is really soon. i know as soon as i get back to my lovely desert i'm going to miss the bay...but, maybe i'll see it again soon. as a matter of fact, i know i will. i'll be back in the city in october to see the cure at the download festival! gah! the cure. i salivate!

so yes, the other day i FINALLY realized a long time dream of being inked! this gal is finally tattooed. it was the most exhilarating experience ever. pain. more pain. endorphins. survival. ...and the most smile inducing design i could ever ask for! my artist was so sweet. his name was bobby and he was such a character. since the tattoo i have had a little lingering crush on him...i think it was after he said "yep, your first tattoo, you're definitely going to remember me....its kinda like losing your virginity." he winked. i blushed. there i stood in my lovely black bra and skirt in front of him, instead of looking at the twins he looked right at my eyes. swooon! at first, bobby had this skeezy edge to him...but i saw something genuine, something deeper. he was tipped really well. the whole experience was really kind of erotic, i won't lie. he literally laid on my back the whole time, i could feel him breathing on my neck and...yes. i am near menstruation so hormones are all over the place. it was lovely and insanely painful at the same time. my friend amanda gave a perfect description of tattoo pain. imagine you have a really bad sunburn and you're scratching it as hard as you can...no bueno. regardless, i'm looking forward to getting more!

here is a link to the inspired design....
http://www.davincis.org/images/stone%20medallions%20and%20boarders/Medallions/World%20Compass%20Rose.jpg

so, i'm going to enjoy my last day as a intern and soak up the love. i will fill you in on the rest of things when they happen.

p.s. those with charitable hearts can send a donation to Bottom of the Hudson at this address
both@absolutelykosher.com

superficial secret keeper

2007-07-15T06:20:31Z

i hope everyone that occasionally blogs on this site also keeps a written journal. this livejournal thing, for me at least, is really just an opportunity to vent about the superficial things occurring and let my friends know what's going on in my life. my real treasures are the written journals i've been keeping since i was 16. writing the words by hand really releases the inner repression--the thoughts, ideas, and emotions that are between you and you only. verbal catharsis.

i don't know why i am writing about this now, but recently i have noticed how powerful and helpful it has been to have written journals. while writing in my paper journal, i occasionally flip back a few pages to weeks before...then i grab other journals from months before, and then years before and its really startling. you have a written record of your life and all the memories and events that shaped the person you are right now. i think nothing is more powerful in helping us grow, helping us learn from our mistakes, remember our goals, and not waste time getting caught up in worldly illusion.

i have been conversing with friends who are going through drastic changes in their lives and the foundation of their lives is crumbling. i think if people were more accountable for their past, we wouldn't fall apart so easily. of course, this is all personal opinion and everyone's situation is different.

since my lovely roommate has been away, i have had a lot of wonderful time to myself to write, reflect, and read on the girl i was last semester to who i feel i am becoming each day. its amazing what an evolving time this is. every moment we can grow if allow ourselves to do so. these past few weeks, i have realized that solitude can be the most giving. i think people fear it so much because when we're alone, the darkness that is in all of us can be overwhelming--the negativity, the fear, the regret. however, once you realize that the future has not been written, that you can influence the outcome, the most overwhelming peace is found. it is a beautiful surrender.

i think online journals can be deeply personal, but, we never get down to the nitty-gritty with ourselves because we know our friends can read them. again, personal opinion. i tend to hold back because i don't want to bore people like i am probably doing now...nor do i want to reveal the inner workings of my ever changing mind.

so, this is just an encouraging attempt to tell you to start writing. i promise you, it is incredible. time, literally, is frozen for you to learn what you missed.

777 continued

2007-07-08T03:47:55Z

so yeah, walking back with groceries blows. i swear, i only bought six things but they weighed a ton after you walk ten blocks. other than the straining walk there and back again, one cool thing about today are the "live earth" concerts around the world. its like "live aid" for the environment. i just saw metallica play in london. james hetfield, the quintessential badass of rock says "take care of yourselves, take care of what's around you...embrace life." i must say, it was quite nice to see a metal guy like him humbled by time and existence. i really liked that. i definitely think it was genuine.

777

2007-07-07T19:48:05Z

today, numerically, is pretty cool. what should i do today? my roommate has flown the coop to denver so i must figure out what to do with my time. i need groceries. i need to wander and seize the day. yet, a severe dose of pms has set in and that puts a damper on everything.

i hope everyone had a nice fourth of july. mine was lovely. i spent the whole day in warm and sunny sonoma valley. i attended the town parade and then helped prepare for a dinner at the vacation home. tons of all american fixins--steaks, potato salad, strawberry shortcake, and wine by the bucket load. the company was, ahem, a bit on the "snob" side but i guess that is to be expected in wine country. i personally don't get it. i mean, i understand you're very passionate about your product but there is no reason to treat people like idiots because they're young and haven't visited your damn vineyard. though the guests could have been better, the day was wonderful. last year i didn't do anything. its so flippin' hot on that day that i think i watched fireworks on tv and then went to bed. the fireworks in sonoma were truly beautiful and i had the best seat to view them!

i think i'm going to explore northern berkeley today. i will venture to the farmer's market and pick up a few things from the food groups.

"no sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this..."

2007-06-24T00:41:36Z

i'm so happy right now. these past few days have opened a great deal of new experiences that i have enjoyed immensely...

last wednesday i finally saw the perks of my job and attended a show in the city. "shearwater" on the misra label played at a tiny venue called "bottom of the hill." i walked in and said "i'm on the list," and was given the thumbs up to partake. that my friends, was awesome. i joined my co-workers in a new setting. we all chillaxed after a long day in the office and watched the band perform. some cool facts about shearwater, the bluesy-folky quartet has a bass player named kimberly! i was stunned. i talked to her after the show and she was delightful and commented that all "kimberlys" are fantastic and that i should follow through with my dreams of playing bass. wicked.

my boss cory took me and another intern home to berkeley but not before he spoiled us with late night mexican food at this taqueria called "filibertos" or "gilbertos" or something "berto." i was really tired and didn't want to eat a spicy burrito but...that wasn't an option. he shared with us some of his cool record label stories and experiences. i was a little/very intimidated to be sitting there next to him. before coming to this job i thought i was pretty knowledgeable about music. oh noooo. i know jack crap. compared to cory and this intern vaughn, i know nothing. you can't just "like" music in this business. it has to be your whole world....you have to be in love with "sound" in general. it is most definitely a challenge.

the next day amanda and i took a bikram yoga class. it was my first time, her 4th or 5th. it kicked my ass, yet it was the most exhilarating and cleansing thing i have ever participated in. lets just say in bikram yoga (yoga performed in a 95 degree room with 80% humidity) you sweat like you have never sweated in your life. people in the class were like human faucets. there are puddles under you! you sweat your entire body mass! i was surprised as to how flexible i was yet, when i started to imagine my towel and mat bursting into flames, it got a little life threatening. after class i got a big headache because of all the water loss but i was alright, and much better now.

yesterday and today i have spent in a lovely pool in santa rosa; iced tea, floaty chairs, sunglasses and my bronzing skin--its been great. mommy is coming to visit me next wednesday. i can't wait for her to see where i live and work. we'll be spending a lot of time in sonoma. i'm so excited to show her how great it has been.

i may attend the gay pride parade tomorrow. i've heard from colleagues that i will lose whatever innocence i have left. hmmm. i don't know about that. i think amanda really wants to see the "dykes on bikes." that doesn't sound too bad.

anyway, just a few tidbits on some of the fun stuff that happened this week. its been good. i will be sure to comment on what unfolds in the future. hope everyone is enjoying the summer weather...(unless you find yourself in phoenix : ( sorry pumpkins )

"her beautiful heart is drowned in grief..."

2007-06-09T04:42:34Z

so, bad news today. one of my favorite bands in all the cosmos announced that their lead singer is leaving. anneke von giersbergen of the gathering is leaving "to pursue other creative endeavors." why don't you just RIP MY FREAKIN HEART OUT anneke! i stinking loved you more than life. i still do. i will forever. i will even buy your stupid solo project stuff. i do like the name, "agua de annique." you opted for spanish. ten bonus for that.

still...

i can never buy another gathering cd. it will be too painful. you know what really kills, is that i had, (key word "had" meaning in the past, an opportunity scatted to the wind)...had the chance to see them live in seattle with "within temptation" at the end of may. i was dirt broke and could not attend. now, that event is going to haunt me forever...dammit. i am really mad. i had no idea i would care so much but i do. the gathering is very special to me for many reasons.

this was a bad day to find this out. hormones are not in their right places and i think i may go shed some tears, light a candle and listen to the gathering. pathetic, yes indeed, but... now is the time to mourn.

why do wonderful things have to go down the crapper!?

http://www.gathering.nl/

the introduction

2007-06-06T03:17:23Z

this week is the intro paragraph...

so far at kosher/misra records...i am happy. staff are the most laid-back, charming bunch of characters one could ever encounter. i think its because they are all bay-area musicians... my boss used to play guitar in "Jim-Yoshi Pile Up!?" (see http://absolutelykosher.com)

public transportation is a lot easier than i thought so that has eased some fears...

yesterday i probably took home 20 brand new cds from the label. they call it "homework," i call it..."YESSS!"

i'm up early and home late with little time or energy to balance things. i guess this is how "starts" always are. i always complain about beginnings. i hate them. they just...i hate adjusting. period. so far, i'm ecstatic. is this really happening to me? am i really making it, figuring this out, having this experience? sometimes it seems a little too good to be true.

i'll be sure to write when things have eased and i've settled a bit more. i still feel like a little fish in a giant pond...or the stinking atlantic ocean. these "intro" jitters will calm eventually. they always do. i just have to have faith... and that my friends, is the only thing one can really posses.

my little children...

2007-06-04T01:00:28Z

before i left for berkeley, i was overwhelmed with much needed creativity. most of you have seen the new pieces...but some have not. here are the new children...

http://nau.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31452096&id=27702927

http://nau.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31455958&id=27702927

http://nau.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31463333&id=27702927

fortune favors the bold

2007-06-02T20:13:09Z

it has been so long since i have posted. i wanted to write so many times but...nothing ever came of it. i think moving from flagstaff, resting at home and planning for the move to berkeley, left me not wanting to reflect on anything. i just...didn't want to stop and examine anything, i didn't care.

now, that the dust has settled i'm ready to chat. i'm here in berkeley on a lazy, foggy saturday and i'm so happy. my apartment faces west, so as i turn my neck i can seem a dim golden gate bridge in the background. there is something so special about that. i think i will take a moment to look at my window every day. the internship starts on monday and i'm nervous as all hell. i hope they will like me and that the position will be something exciting, that i automatically begin absorbing all kinds of new things instead of just being a gofer. either way, just being in these places is phenomenal. i feel pretty comfortable in berkeley. these past few days i've been running errands, walking around, and soaking in the environment. muy bueno. its so different. the is the most adult thing i have ever done in my life and i'm totally embracing it.

i didn't get to say goodbye to my dad before i left. he called just after i left the house to say that he loved me, and that he was proud of me...my heart nearly burst. it really means a lot to know that your family wants you to succeed. my dad, of all people, gave me the wanderlust gene. when he was my age he left everything to go see what "else" was out there. he understands me more than i know.

on the plane, i started reading "the alchemist." it was blythe's copy that i never read and forgot to return to her. i am glad i didn't, because in that moment it was complete inspiration. this book is outstanding. i had wanted to read it for so long but i don't thing it would have been as significant until now...i recommend reading santiago's story when you're on the edge of destiny and you're not sure what you should listen for...

i miss my friends. grace, kyleigh, chelsey, aaliyah...those girls are my muses, my whole world. the brothers have been pulling at the heart strings too... yet, i have to do this. i have to be here, now. its amazing. this bustling city, the characters i've met, the food i've eaten, the smells, its wonderful.

i have a feeling this summer will be the most life changing. it needs to be. i think its going to shape everything.

today my main goal is figuring out transportation. because this city is insane regarding parking, my little car remains in AZ and i have the legs and feet to get me from A to B. that is proving to be a blessing and a curse. it will all just take some adjusting.

my apartment is so charming. rooms are huge, general space...not so huge, but the views and location are completely worth it. i went up to my roof the other day and looked at the entire city. berkeley campus is two blocks away and san francisco is just across the bay. i was on top of the world! you kids need to come out and see this with me!

so, monday it all begins. i'll be working hard...and trying to play hard as well! to all readers, i love and miss you so. i'm so thrilled to be here, but at night, just before i go to sleep, i think about all of you and the blazing arizona summer. come and see me, i promise it will be the most amazing time ever!

all my love.

"balmy days, sweet sangria..."

2007-05-02T19:12:32Z

this weekend was the most insanely busy experience ever. it was my own fault that it was so hectic. though i didn't sleep and was out of my mind with obligations, it was the most rewarding journey!

this weekend i saw 4 concerts! 4! who does that? seriously. Explosions in the Sky was mind blowing and beautiful. They are so special! Their music seriously makes you ascend to new heights. The audience was so dialed in. Wonderful.

next was coachella. aalyiah and i left left friday afternoon to catch the Brazilian Girls and Bjork at the festival. i couldn't pass it up. i knew i would regret it if i didn't go. the words are too insufficient to accurately describe the power of seeing Bjork live. it was ineffable. beyond words. amazing. every song she sang was a favorite. her voice was mesmerizing, she sounded exactly like she does on the cds. it was incredible. for all the fans, check out a fraction of her set list: "pagan poetry, unravel, army of me, hunter, oceania, hyper-ballad, and joga." i know. "holy shit" is the most accurate response. it was incredible. this performance left tori amos in the dust.

after the concert i drove the rest of the night to l.a. to attend a prssa conference. the conference went well. all it did was inform me that i want nothing to do with the television industry and that i hate l.a.

sunday i came home and slept for hours. later that night i went at saw Mute Math with my brother Cameron--my musical companion. phenomenal. those guys are wonderful showmen. utterly thrilling!

its wednesday and i'm barely alive. last night kacie and i entertained the fellows and we all finished a giant jug of sangria and sang sappy love songs to each other. good times. when bruce stays with me, i never sleep. :) i'm here at work, failing to concentrate on the mindless tasks at hand.

this is the final countdown folks. a few more days and my junior year will be a memory. this summer is going to be the most thrilling experience of my life. i can't wait! until then, i'm going to party it up with those i hold most dear!

"just go and stick it in somewhere...i'm sick of hearing it."

2007-04-25T23:11:54Z

my stupid cat marty has been pissing everywhere but his litter box. i don't know what to do!? two weeks ago, i had him neutered and de-clawed. is he revolting over his lost manhood? the other day it was in my suitcase and this morning it was right on my bed. i'm at my wits end. i love him so but i really just want to give him to the humane society so i don't have to deal with all his troublesome antics. i'm torn.

p.s. fortunately i can't be that mad because...on a personal reflection...a good dose of cunnilingus can turn ANY frown upside down! it certainly has for me!!! ; ) hee hee! xoxo muchismas gracias senor Bruce!

p.p.s. tori's new album is...eh. there are maybe 5-6 songs that are decent and don't seem contrived. this new album is really nothing to go nuts about. boo.

"well i know its just a spring haze..."

2007-04-23T17:37:35Z

my world is spinning so quickly and i can't catch my breath! berkeley was wonderful and amanda and i secured the most charming place to sub-let for the summer. #5 on Channing St. My lucky number. My birthday, 08/05, Amanda's birthday 09/05. what a beautiful twist of fate. the apartment is so precious! i can see the golden gate bridge from my window! walking around berkeley gave me the most amazing sense of peace and overwhelming possibility. this summer is going to be the most life changing experience i could ever ask for! right now i'm 70% thrilled and 30% terrified out my skin. i'm at the edge of the diving board!! i just hope they like me! i hope berkeley thinks me cool...then again, after a while, berkeley will just mold me into something cool. you all must come and see me! we'll have some hookah puffs and tea on the roof and watch the sunset over the city!

i have so much to do!? List for the rest of the semester:

-Finish concert schedule
-Complete Finals
-Party it up with friends (especially Bruce xoxo)
-Move out of apartment
-Secure stuff in storage unit
-Come home and pack for Berkeley
-Hang out with PHX buddies
-Move into apartment last week of May
-Be at job Mon, June 4th.

Holy crap. How am I going to do all this?! So yeah, we indeed shall see.

"when i said i wanted it all, did i ever really want it all?"

2007-04-16T17:48:37Z

my my it has been a while. things in my life are hectic. berkeley is coming up soon and i'm completely unprepared. my brother and his rebellion have been causing a significant amount of stress in our family. i'm trying to hold on to the final stretch of the school year but all i want to do is cash in my chips.

this weekend was fun and hellish. i don't know how you have those two in the same occurrence but, that is what it was. i took evan to see the Pink Floyd laser light spectacular. so fun. lasers and pink floyd music. way cool. i left early on sunday because the tension in my house was overwhelming. i was really upset. i got home and my lovely roommate bought me flowers, german chocolate cake, and Peter Pan on dvd. made my day. seriously, what people go out of their way for kindness these days? she's wonderful.

last wednesday the killers concert was really fun. i had lovely seats right in front. unfortunately, the fans at that show gave me a bad taste in my mouth. they were...just yuppie preps, overly perfumed skanks, and poster children for Greek life. no bueno. i really was like, "you guys are dumb," the entire time. i had no idea the demographic of a killer fan was so...trendy and idiotic. i think it could have been my PMS...which is raging right now. hmmm. anyway, i have a few more concerts coming up...

4/26 Explosions in the Sky
4/27 Coachella
5/6 North, Caspian, Arc of the Aurora
5/11 Deftones

i'm super excited. if it weren't for live music, i would go belly up.
i just got paid 20$ to clean out the office refrigerator. it was disgusting. i've never seen brown orange juice or a bag of liquefied carrots. people are disgusting and rotten food is the worst thing ever. gah! the smells! this weekend i'm bound for nor cal. i have to figure out the next three months of my life...that, people, will be quite a task.

bouncing off clouds

2007-03-28T18:08:00Z

today flagstaff weather decided to go bi-polar and it will remain a cloudy, chilly, 35 degrees. wtf? it was 60 last week. i'm upset.

i didn't sleep well last night. too many thoughts. this morning i had some coffee with some butter pecan creamer and i'm all jitters. muscles twitching, fidgit fidgit. i heard a bit of tori amos' new single and....um...(scratches head) i'm not quite sure what to say. i've decided not to get my hopes up regarding tori's new work. i think the glory days are long gone and i shan't receive another "choirgirl" ever again. (hangs head) it is all right though, i have tons of other artists to love and appreciate.

i'm enrolling in classes today. i can't believe i'll be a senior next year! my my. it will be all PR and Relgious Studies and some God forsaken statistics class. i hate math. i'm so bored right now. its snowing. what the heck? i want to collage right now. i'll be making another trip out to san francisco very soon. amanda has found some possible sub letters! hooray! last night i stayed up with kacie watching "miami ink" and i totally want to go the the tattoo parlor right now. i know exactly what i want, unfortunately, i lack the funds to make it happen. i'm trying to think of something else to ramble about...nothing is bubbling up. i'll stop. hope everyone is enjoying their wednesday.