A · World · I · Want · to · Conquer, · Deliver, · and · Despise...

can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. too many thoughts. good and bad. i am really excited about madonna's new album. am i gonna make it spain? holy crap graduation. my life is going to change completely. my husband is in europe. i am sure of it. i feel it with everything in me. not that i will marry anytime soon. i just know he's there. the psychic in sedona told me so. she could be blowing smoke. i'm sure of it. then again, there haven't been any u.s. boys working for me. on the other hand, i hate men. right now...they are just rowdy little dogs who want and take everything you've got. they chew you up and spit you out. no men no men no men no men. i promised myself that i won't have to do the work. it seems every little romance i've had has been of my own initiation. screw that. let them come to me. i'm sick of being the show bird--always flaunting her best feathers and no one ever sees. no ever looks up. why do we girls do that? why? and why again? boys will never know how much we give. the heart of a woman is an overflowing spring. it is in our very nature to surrender everything we have. that's why it hurts so much when we're rejected. we have to protect ourselves. girls, protect your hearts. don't let any man or woman for that matter, suck you dry. perhaps this is my test. solitude. reflection. patience. i must bide my time. he's waiting for me. this is what faith is. believe everything will turn out roses when it seems like it will never happen for you. you're not stuck. you're being held, cradled, sheltered. it will happen. it will. it must. i wouldn't have a heart so full of love and adventure if it wasn't supposed to be used. my mind is buzzing. buzz. buzz. buzzzzzzzzz. i feel electric. motion. images. rest is not really rest. nothing is turning off. i need sleeeeep. can't. why? ugh. spainspainspainspain. i can't wait. i'm scared to death. is it meant to be? i have to take it one day at a time. hour by hour. minute by minute. is there really innocence or is just experience? all we have is the journey. alskdjflsajd

my goodness. why hasn't it taken me so long to post? i still don't feel completely ready. life has been good but it its goodness i feel so strange. senior year is trucking along merrily. i am absolutely rotting from senioritis--it is so bad i am misspelling my name. my emotions are totally all over the place. i just returned from a quickie san francisco weekend trip to hang out with some familiar faces and escape the flagstaff grind. though i was comletely elated to be away, i found myself on the brink of tears most of the trip. perhaps there is just a collective uneasiness in california? i think it may have been. while on the plane, the moment i flew into the arizona border i finally felt calm. what is it about california that fills me with fear and uneasiness? or is it just in my head? i had an absolute blast last summer in berkeley. i hoped to rekindle my warm regards for the place...but it didn't happen. regardless of my mental angx, i am glad melody and john were there to receive me. the past few months i have been plagued by paranoia. thoughts of death. thoughts of failure. i am a silent victim of insecurity. it is a venomous cancer that kills the pure and good ambitions that fuel me. in my mind, i rationalize, i dig myself out of the mental sandtraps and continue with my day but lately, i find myself falling into holes faster than i can help it. i don't know if maybe its a "life-transition thing" or what. i know the answers to my own questions but for some reason i am powerless. i have so much to look forward to. graduation is weeks away, a 4 month stint in barcelona comes along in September...things i've been dreaming about for years are coming into my life and i'm struggling to embrace them. i am thinking about deleting my lj. at this stage in my life it seems a bit juvenile. writing has always been very personal for me. i find myself writing more in my paper journal in order to properly assess what's going on in my head. i enjoy the actual process of writing than typing, i feel the therapeutic benefits a bit more. i haven't decided yet. i am definitely in a rough patch emotionally. this is the rock solid truth. maybe when i won't have to focus on school i can finally take some time to clean out my emotional "shed" and detoxify it. apart of me is really concerned about it. i have never felt this way in my entire life. i have always been blessed with a kind of "handle" on things. its awful feeling like one is just a pawn in a torturous game of win-lose. i am hoping there is a great reason for all of this fear, some great lesson to be revealed in time. then again, fear never helps anyone so how can there be a great reason? ehhhh. that is what is currently on my plate. now you can understand why i've avoided writing. its ridiculous.

december is upon us. i'm exhausted. its grown cold in flagstaff, the days are darker and the wind tires my bones. i want to sleep and dream of life in spain, beauty, and inspiration. this semester has been the most difficult of my life. priorities are not balanced and there is chaos everywhere. i feel like such a little girl sometimes. other days, i feel so in control, the world is my oyster. next semester will be better, more difficult but, better. i will plan for next fall in barecelona. it is like the little diamond in my pocket. i can't believe its going to happen. as long as i can remember i have dreamed about spain, from the moment i left i have wanted to return. not only will i return, but i will stay for as long as i am needed, as long as my heart desires. who knows where the road will take me! i think of all the possibilities and my spirit sings. i just have to get through the next 6 months. i want school to end. i want to rest, have time to dream and create. its almost over. i have so much to look forward to! the highly anticipated american doll possee tour will stop in phoenix on the 11th, carmel's wedding on the 15th, and perhaps, a new york adventure on the 27th. i have never traveled more in my life than i have this semester. its astonishing. all the places i have been. there and back again. i need to write more. i'll report again soon!

much much much has been going on and i have been too lethargic to comment on it. my world is whirling. i just returned from a 5 day stint in philadelphia of PRSSA. exhausting. great fun. didn't get as much out of it as i would have liked. boo. the semester is half way over and i'm stunned. time is flying and i'm watching it go by. busyness has a way of sucking up everything. i've never been this busy before and it has caused a kind of hermeticism in me. its really ironic that i say that because it seems as though all of my time is spent with people. i guess, i would say when i get a moments peace, i usually like to spend it by myself. i need that time to reflect. i can't say i have been doing much of that lately. it upsets me. i don't like having that "un-plug" time. perhaps that is why i am feeling a bit inadequate.

i've been traveling so much this month. this is first weekend i have spent home in flagstaff. san fran, philly, and oregon in two weeks. goodness. i'm such a jet-setter. it makes me happy but leaves me spent. this year has been zooming by, thinking about how many miles i've traveled, the places i've been...blows my mind. i think i'm going to top off this year with new years in new york. rob and amy have graciously invited me to ring in the new year in the busiest city on earth. i think that would be delightful. can't wait. tori is coming up soon. i've been following her concerts and i'm thinking this one will be the best yet. i salivate at the fact that i'll be able to touch her, say hello, look into her eyes--my teenage wish finally fulfilled...to meet the woman, the creator behind all those songs that shaped me. i'm so excited. as much as i would like to banish tori for her repeated album flubs (since scarlet's walk, everything blows), overall, i cherish her. hooray for the meet and greet pass! i grow more excited each day.

so. overall, the mood is confused. this stage in life is so perplexing. its all going to change so drastically. soon, everything will be different. i've been looking into this internship program in spain for next fall. i think this summer will be spent abroad and then i'll conclude with moving to spain. i can't think too much on that stuff now because my brain will leak out my ears. its going to happen though. i can feel it. something is calling me. i thinking something is waiting for me in spain. i would have liked to visit this december but it seems too big an endeavor for such little time. soon. soon. i'm just trying to stay focused on school, develop and prepare my skills for a whatever may come. no matter how stressful it gets, or what difficulties lay ahead. i'm so happy to be here and now. as long as i focus on that...its not so bad.

right now i'm researching the most insane paper i will ever right. mystic consciousness and science. its nuts. my brain melts every few minutes. november is coming up soon. november is a beautiful month. the chill starts to come in, the autumn smells, and the colors. it will be wonderful...

Man. Oh Man. Never have I been so busy in all my life. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew this time. So school is progressing merrily although it seems to be on the last burner with KJACK Radio, PRSSA, and my receptionist job at Undergraduate Admissions. I leave the house early-early,and come home when its dark. I practically live at school. I miss sleeping. I miss "me" time. It seems that everything is priority one except for anything having to do with my personal affairs. I shouldn't be complaining too much though because I'm having a blast. So many friends always calling, always wanting to hang out! Each one is so special and so different! They bring me joy! I'm going to have a radio show called Global Goods on Monday nights. I'll be posting a bulletin soon so you can check me out on kjack.org. I can't wait to be a DJ. Finally all my musical babies will get some exposure! No time, no time, no time, there aren't enough hours in the day...
I feel like the rabbit in Alice and Wonderland. I'm so glad I'm single right now. A few weeks ago I was a bit peeved at all the marriages and relationships blossoming around me and now but now, I'm so grateful to not have to deal with any of it. Unfortunately, I'm super cynical and anti-distraction, so I think if a boy came around I would have to chew him up and spit him out. Being 21 has been delightful. The bar scene is nothing special. However, it has given me some fabulous insight into how much the male population is nothing but a pack of wild dogs--sniffing and smelling, licking and pouncing on anything that moves. Yuck. I know I am better than all this. I am better than all of them. I want something more. Just because you buy me a drink, you expect me to hand myself over on a silver platter?! Funny. I laugh. Men. Heathens. Dogs. Not now.
Life is wonderfully hectic and moving at the speed of light. There aren't enough hours in the day. I have to quit typing because I have other things I need to work on. October is around the corner and I can't wait! It is my most treasured month and I will be so busy! San Francisco is the on the 6th, Philadelphia is the 19-23!...I'm going to try to sneak a Rocky Point trip in there too. Maybe. The world is mine. Nothing is stopping me. That is how I like it. I'm going to keep it like that for a while.
I went to a few shows last week. Pinback and Within Temptation. I've decided that I have to go the Netherlands and see WT again. Incredible. I can't wait to start traveling the world. I've decided after I graduate I'm taking about six months off to travel. I haven't decided where but its going to start with Australia this December!
I'll think about that later. Too much to think about now. Life is grand. Life a grand and decadent feast of which I'm invited to partake. Right now, I'm waiting in the lobby and every now and then the waiter will bring me a pretty our dourve to munch on. Grand, grand, grand. I can't complain. Everything is happening for my benefit! I hope everyone is having a good perspective about things. Remember to take it one day at a time. Its all about perspective!!!

xoxo

senior year has commenced. i can't believe it. i love being back in flagstaff. its wonderful to be around friends, to see how much they have grown and share their adventures and new lives. the new townhouse is amazing. lots of room, no more hunting for quarters and creepy laundry rooms. i now have my own comfortable nook for laundering clothes. NAU has radically changed. this year we have more students then we ever have. everything is super modern and clustered together. i don't like it. the initial small city, mountain school charm that once attracted me to nau is no where to be found. regardless, i live off campus and only have a year left....

so, other than work and school i have been completely, 100% enamored with australia!? i don't know why or how but when i'm not focusing on academia, i'm researching different cities and opportunities to live down undah! i want to leave right now. i think a large part of it was the cute aussie i met here in town. it was so random. upon returning flagstaff the gang and i reunited and they gleefully escorted me to the various flagstaff pubs to get my legal drink on. after my shot of cuervo, i heard this lovely accent ordering a heineken. i turn around..."are you an aussie?!" fast forward to hours later where i am talking with a charming kiwi named sean who is leading a life i could only dream of. the man has filled up three passports on his ventures around the globe!? he found himself in arizona wanting to see the canyon and then work down to mexico and eventually south america. did i mention the part where he's loaded!? yeah, he's a mechanical engineer in sydney who saves all his money for his travels. it was suggested that i should make him my australian sugar daddy. we had a playful few nights together that ultimately ended with me wishing him luck and hoping to see him in sydney someday...

i'm still smitten. he's probably in peru by now. he won't be in australia until christmas. ho hum. i'll probably never see him again...australia is pretty enormous and he's a bit older than i...like, by 14 years.... hee hee! besides, i think he just wanted to shag me like all the rest...sigh, nothing wrong with that but...

anyway, school is good, friends are good, weather is lovely. i'm preparing myself for one of the most dreaded months of the year....SEPTEMBER. ugh.

i've decided that after school i'm taking at least 6 months to a year before jumping into the PR choas. Spain and Australia to start and many more in between. i don't exactly know HOW i'll get there, but...its a mystery, one that will resolve in time and i'm confident. i truly believe its meant to be and where there's a will, there's a way.

these have been strange days. it has been so wonderful to be home. my beloved arizona desert has welcomed me back with big skies, breath taking sunsets, and friendly faces wishing me well. there is happiness but at the same time, much gloom. i am so scared of this new year. i feel as though i am staring over a cliff of the abyss and i have no idea where it leads. menstruation has left me exhausted, quick to weep, and grinding my teeth at all the friends getting married. i have been invited to three weddings this semester. eh. some of them, i'm deliriously happy for and others, i think are fools. this new year is going to change everything. this is the last year in flagstaff, last year of my degree. after this, who knows? my heart dreams of granada but i'm not yet sure if i can make it happen right after graduating. will i decide on graduate school? will the valley reveal a lovely career worthy of my time and skils? or will i move far away and begin my life away from everything i know? i do not know. beloved friends are leaving me, they will be missed and their absence deeply felt this year. its going to be so empty without them. flagstaff is not the same place it was when i arrived three years ago. i am not the same girl three years ago. i have much to learn and discover but i'm very frightened and hesitant to dive in so blindly. i am terrified. i know i shouldn't be, but i am. i just want to find a place where my spirit can thrive. now that my enthralling bay area summer has come to a close, i am left pondering if i will ever return? i wish i could peer into the future for just a minute. i just want to know that i'm going to land on my feet. time is a funny thing. my college career is rapidly disappearing and its very sad. it was truly the greatest time anyone could ask for. i am meloncholy for the past and the people who were apart of it.

so, i promise this hormone charged rant will be over soon. deep breaths. i know its going to be wonderful. i am a very blessed individual. i believe that when i surrender myself all will be taken care of and peace will be found. i pray for all the people i care for who are working through this mysterious time in their lives. the answers will be found.

tomorrow i am moving out of my house and into a new one in flagstaff. many emotions. many fears, and much longing for stable ground. soon i will commence a new semester and i'll write again when the seas have calmed...

"can't stop what's coming, can't stop what is on its way" -Bells for Her